Words - of life and death

Proverbs 15:1-7, 23; 16:21-28; 25:11-15

We’re looking at the book of Proverbs, which was written to help you live life with wisdom and

skill. But what Proverbs make clear is that that won’t just about the decisions you make, or the actions you take, but about how you speak. About what you say, how you say it, and when you say it. I mean, just think of the times when you’ve found yourself in trouble… how often has what you’ve said, or not said, been a part of it?

But it’s just about the words you say, Proverbs teaches us that growing in wisdom is also about the words that others say and you listen to.

Which means Proverbs has a whole lot to say in our cultural moment, because today, no one doubts the power of words. Just this week a UK singer has been heavily criticised for singing a song, a about the Palestinian people and Israel. But no one’s saying it’s just a song. Or think of governments wrestling with freedom of speech, or universities establishing so-called safe-spaces to protect students from speech they think is harmful. Or think of cancel culture and the silencing of people who’s speech other people think is offensive.

So we all get that words are more than just words - they have this power to influence us. Our words to others and their words to us. When I was a junior doctor I wanted to be a family doctor, but as part of my training I had to spend time on the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. And one day, I was putting a very fiddly line into a premature baby, but got it in first go, at which my senior colleague who was supervising me, leant over the incubator and said, ‘Martin you’re good at this, you should do this as a career.’ And I thought, ‘you’re right, I should’ and from that moment changed direction. Meanwhile, Su, as a medical student, was told by a surgeon during an operation that he would never appoint a woman as a surgeon, to which she said, ‘right, then I am going to become one’ and she did.

So words have a power to direct the course of our lives. But they also have a power on our hearts. Think of your past. Do you carry any wounds or scars because of what someone has said to? Do you see yourself in certain ways, maybe even physically, because of someone else’s words? Might there be people out there who carry wounds because of your words?

We all know words have power. And Proverbs says you’re right: 18:21, ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue.’ The words you say to others, and the words others say to you, can have a profound impact. They can nourish relationships or kill them. They can build you up on the inside or destroy you.

So that's what we’re going to look at: firstly at words that are life giving; secondly at words that are death dealing, and finally at the word that can change your life.

Life-Giving Words
In the UK we used to visit an old abbey that had a well in the garden. Except, it was less a well and more a crystal clear font of water, welling up from the ground, that then irrigated the garden. Imagine if your words were like that to the people around you. Proverbs 10:11, ‘The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.’ Imagine that the things you said, and the way you said them, were a continual encouragement to others, leaving them better off for having spoken to you, with renewed strength to face the day, because you’d imparted life to them. And Proverbs says, that doesn’t need to be imaginary, you can be that person.

Proverbs 12:18, ‘There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts [we’ll look at that later], but the tongue of the wise brings healing.’ Or 12:25, ‘Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.’ Now maybe you’ve experienced being on the receiving end of that. Life is dark, but a friend helps lift the burden, just by talking to you. And Proverbs is saying, you can also be that kind of person to your friends, or colleagues, or wife, husband or kids. Learn to live life with skill and what you say can build them up and leave them more whole for having spoken to you.

Now, I love honey and at Christmas we were given a honeycomb, and it just oozed honey. And Proverbs 16:24 says, ‘Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.’ So what if people could say of you, he just oozes encouragement, or she just oozes faith? And when I talk to her, and she talks to me, it just does me good! Sure, Proverbs says, 10:21, ‘The lips of the righteous feed many.’

And yet, Proverbs is not slushy. Being skilled at life is not being Dora the Explorer with her endless positivity. Sometimes we need to hear the things we don’t want to hear. Which means someone’s got to be willing to say them.

Proverbs 17:10, ‘A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.’ In other words, if someone’s not interested in growing in wisdom, you can try and beat something into them as much as you like and it’ll do no good. But if someone - like you - does want to learn how to navigate life with skill, then you won’t just be open to encouraging words, but to words that tell you, this thing you’re doing, this relationship you’re pursuing, this attitude you’re showing, is wrong.

And having people in your life who are willing to say those hard things to you is of immense value to you, Proverbs says. Proverbs 25:12, ‘Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.’ Think of one of those hand crafted Swiss watches with a jaw-dropping price tag… their value is nothing in comparison to the worth of having someone willing to say the stuff you don’t want to hear. Or think of how a piece of jewellery can add beauty to someone’s external appearance… well, being open to rebuke can add beauty to the inner you, Proverbs says. That’s how valuable it is.

So the person growing in wisdom will welcome correction. But they’ll also have the courage to give it, when someone they love is straying. Proverbs 27:5-6: ‘Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.’

Now, our current culture tells you you’ve got to affirm and agree with the lifestyle choices of others. But Proverbs says, that’s not love. Instead, if you want to be a true friend you might just have to be willing to wound. You’ll hate doing it; in fact you may try everything to avoid doing it. But if you’re a faithful friend, there may come a time when you need to confront your friend.

And Proverbs says, one day they may just thank you. Proverbs 28:23: ‘Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favour than he who flatters with his tongue.’ Imagine you’re not feeling great physically, so you go to the doctor. And he runs all the tests, gets the results, sits you down and says ‘You have nothing to worry about.’ You’d go home happy, wouldn’t you. He’s told you what your want to hear. But what if he’s not being straight with you? What if the results he’s holding tell him there is something seriously wrong, which if treated could be cured; except, he can’t bring himself to tell you the bad news because it would be awkward. Then what would you think of him? You’d think ‘But it was your duty to tell me.’ And if he had told you, you might have gone home devastated, but you’d be on the path to healing. And one day you’d thank him for his diligence and care.

And Proverbs is saying, don’t be a fraud, be a friend. Be a fountain of encouragement, but also love people enough not to avoid the hard conversation.

But in doing that, choose your words well. Proverbs 16:21 and 23, ‘Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness… [and] The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.’ You see, you could say the hard things, and shoot from the hip, and tell it as it is, but you’re not doing it out of love - at least not for them, but out of a selfish love - to make yourself feel good.

Instead, as we grow in wisdom, and genuinely want to see change in this other person’s life, because we love them, we’re going to think deeply about how we say what we say, about understanding their point of view and putting it in ways they understand. Proverbs 25:15 says, ‘A soft tongue will break a bone.’ Which means controlling your emotions and choosing your words can open up a situation way better than speed and harshness ever could.

As Proverbs 15:1 says, ‘A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ So you can be in a conflictual situation and faced with having to say the thing the other person doesn’t want to hear, and you can say it in a way that will pour water, or petrol, on the fire. You can be someone whose words are like a jerry-can of gasoline, and your need to have the last word, or justify yourself, or get your own back, or to use sarcasm, just inflames the situation. Or you can be someone growing in skill at life, whose words bring resolution and reconciliation. Which would you rather be?

Ok, but it may not just be about the words you use, but about their timing.

Proverbs 15:23 says, ‘To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!’ Because you can say something at one time and it fall like an absolute clanger, or you can say the same thing at a different time and the person go, ‘O wow, I really needed to hear that.’ What makes the difference?? Wisdom, Proverbs says.

And sometimes wisdom tells you that it’s better not to say anything at all. Proverbs 10:19: ‘When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.’ You see, if you’re talking a lot, you might be tempted to show off your knowledge about the subject your talking about, or show up the lack of knowledge of the person you’re talking to. You might try and make them look bad and you look good. Instead, the person growing in wisdom increasingly understands that not everything needs to be said, or said by them. As Proverbs 17:27-28 says, ‘Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise.’

So, there’s a way to live, Proverbs says, where your words impart life and encouragement to others, even if you have to confront them. That there’s a way of speaking that persuades, not inflames; that knows when to speak and when not to.

Don’t you want to grow in that kind of skill at life? The problem is, as always, there’s an alternative.

Death-Dealing Words
Now if our current culture says we’re supposed to affirm what others say or do even when it goes against the grain of reality, we also live in the age of the internet pile on, and on-line shaming, and the shouting down of others who don’t hold approved opinions.

But if we’re honest, that’s not just a problem for those people over there. Look again at Proverbs 12:18: ‘There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts.’ And sadly Su and my girls could give you a list of times I’ve done that. And maybe you recognise that in your own life, when you’ve said something, and what you said was wrong, or the timing was poor, or your motive was selfish, and it hurt the one you should love. Maybe you recognise yourself as the person carrying that jerry-can of petrol.

And make that a habit of your life and Proverbs says we can be like someone with a samurai sword, diving into a crowd, slashing away at colleagues, husband, wife, kids. And our speech can have a profoundly negative impact on those around us. Proverbs 15:4, ‘A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.’ And 18:14 says, ‘A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?’

I was recently speaking to a pastor friend who’s had false accusations made against him and it’s been devastating. But you don’t have to be a pastor to experience that. Maybe like him people have said something to you, or about you, that leaves you crushed. Or maybe, we’re the ones who’ve done the crushing.

And of course it doesn’t have to be what we say to someone, but about them, to others. Proverbs 16:27-28: ‘A worthless man plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire. A dishonest man spreads strife and a whisperer separates close friends.’ So we can build friendships and relationships with our words, or destroy them - by repeating gossip, which spreads like a forest fire, burning everything in its path.

And to be part of that, you don’t have to be the one doing the spreading. Just listening can do the damage. Proverbs 18:8, ‘The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.’ And to be in the know, to be in the inner ring, where this tit-bit of gossip or complaint or criticism is being shared, can be enticing. And just like food gives you energy, builds up muscle, or lays down fat, so the words we listen to can begin to change us and become part of us. And now you can’t see this person, or that situation without seeing it through that lens of gossip or complaint.

But, of course, it can be very subtle. Proverbs 6:12-14 says, ‘A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord.’ Now what does it mean to be crooked? It’s something that’s not straight. Which means something doesn’t have to be an out and out lie to still be crooked, it’s just not the total truth. Maybe a detail is withheld, or someone or something is put in the worst light possible, or a motive is ascribed that we could not possibly know. Or, it may not be our words that do the damage, but our body language. The roll of the eyes, the shrug of the shoulders, the exasperated sigh, combine with our words and begin to kill relationships.

But what Proverbs makes clear is that death-dealing words may sound anything but. Proverbs 29:5, ‘A man who flatters his neighbour spreads a net for his feet.’ But who doesn’t like to be flattered? The thing is, when we flatter someone, we’re making them feel good - for our good, not theirs. And whether it’s their body we want, or their approval, we flatter because they have something we’re after.

When I was doing research, my supervisor had an incredible track record of helping her junior colleagues get established. And as a result, people who knew and worked with her loved her. But one day she organised for me to meet another professor who was a world leader in the field I was interested in. And before meeting him, she took me aside and said ‘Martin, just so you know, he’s the kind of guy who, when he shakes your hand, you’ll need to count your fingers afterwards.’

And I had no idea what she was talking about, until I met him. And it was flattery after flattery after flattery. And whereas my supervisor had spent her career getting others established, this guy used others to get himself established. And he drew them in with the net of flattery.

So Proverbs tells us, the person who flatters, who just tells people what they want to hear, may be just as self-centred as the person slashing away with the samurai sword of an acidic tongue. And while it might make the person on the receiving end feel good, ultimately it does them no good, because to live wisely is to live within the grain of reality. And flattery would have you believe something other than reality.

And Proverbs says that’s a snare not just for the person being flattered. You see, whether it’s the oil of flattery, or the tasty morsels of gossip, or the sword thrusts of anger, it’s not just others our words can harm, but ourselves. As Proverbs 10:14 says, ‘The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.’ Make a lifetime of death-dealing words and it will ruin your relationships, even as it ruins you on the inside.

So, how can you avoid that ruin? How can you grow in the skill of speaking words of life - in the right way, at the right time? And if you’ve been wounded by the words of others, how can you find healing?

The Word that Can Change Your Life
Look at Proverbs 15:2, ‘The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.’ So, if as Jesus said, it’s from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks, to grow wise in how we speak, begins by growing wise in our hearts.

And Proverbs 2:6 tells us, wisdom is a gift of God: ‘For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.’ So if we want the words of our mouths to be life-giving, we need to immerse our hearts in the abundance of his words. Because if the world tells us one story that influences the way we speak, a story about you be you, and be true to yourself, and don’t let anyone else tell you what to do, we need a different story to be shaping us.

And Proverbs 9:10 says, ‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.’ Because it’s as we grow in a happy, awe-filled reverence for God that what we say, and how we say it, will grow in wisdom. Because when you know that you are loved by God and, in response, you love and fear him above everything else, it’ll give you the inner security and resources to build others up with your words. It’ll give you the courage to speak up when you’d rather stay silent, because you’re not afraid of what others think. And it’ll give you the self-control to stay silent when your pride wants you to speak up, because you don’t need to prove yourself to yourself or others.

But if wisdom comes from the word of God’s mouth, then Christ is that Word. As John writes, ‘And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.’ (John 1:14).

And think how Jesus spoke - that combination of grace and truth. When he was still a boy people were amazed at his answers. As a man, they were amazed at his teaching and the gracious words that came from his lips. Proverbs tells us that the words of the wise are healing, but Jesus literally healed with his words - ‘be clean’, and the leper was cleansed. ‘Take up your bed and walk’, and the paralysed got up and walked. ‘Little girl, get up, it’s morning’, and the dead were raised. And he calmed storms with a word. And cast out demons with a word.

And the religious leaders sent officers to arrest him, and they came back empty handed saying, ‘no one ever spoke like this man.’ And when people began to desert him and he asked his disciples if they were going to join them, they replied, ‘where else would we go? You have the words of eternal life.’ He was perfect in life-giving words.

But he was also perfect in rebuke, like to Peter ‘Get behind me satan’, and perfect in lifting up the crushed and broken, like the woman caught in adultery, ‘neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.’

And yet, the One perfect in words was betrayed by the words of one friend, and abandoned by the words of another. And at his trial he was falsely accused with words, and met them all with… silence. And he was insulted and yet with words forgave.

And he endured words of scoffing so that we might hear words of love. At the cross he took the soul-crushing weight of our death-dealing words, so that we might be healed. And he cried out ‘My God, my God why have you forsaken me?’ and was met with silence, so that our words and cries for mercy might be heard.

And his heart was pierced so that ours might be changed. Blood and water flowed from his, so that words of life and love might flow from ours.

Proverbs 15:30 says, ‘The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones.’ And if that is true of good news like passing an exam, or being offered a job, how much more true is it of the good news of the gospel. The true story, God’s word to you, that tells you, you are more broken than you could ever imagine, but more loved than you could ever know. And when you do know, you don’t need to lash out or flatter with your words. Instead, out of a deep inner health, you can use your words to do good.

Paul writes, ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear’ (Eph 4:29). If you’re a Christian you have received grace from Jesus, so go speak that grace to others.